So... I'm not sure what exactly is prompting me to write this... and I don't really expect anyone to read this. I'm just another entity lost on the internet, but somehow, I'm hoping that by writing it... and having it where it's possible for people to read, it might, I don't know, help? something like that... anyway...

I broke up with my last boyfriend in December, don't remember if I put that in a journal or not yet, and I don't really feel like going back and looking, but there it is, and that's what this is about. I broke up with him, it was my choice, my decision, and since I have not once regretted it. Funny, I never referred to him as my boyfriend when we were together.. it just felt wrong. I guess I knew it was coming even before we broke up. It had been coming a long time. I wasn't happy, and tried to convince myself that I was. I always had reservations, even if they were vague, I just ignored them. "Well, yes, but only if..." that's how it always was. In my head if nothing else. I guess he always took it differently. Didn't notice that touch of doubt I always held, even if I only held it loosely. At my cousin's wedding... my mom's boss asked how long we had been together, and made vague hints about marriage, and all I felt was panic. I'm really good at fooling myself and ignoring things like that. Even back in summer, during Dragon's Down, my mind set was shifting back towards "single" if only slightly. Towards the end, I was happier when he was gone. I couldn't wait for the days he had work, and when he was home, it was more like a chore than anything else. If he showed up home from work early, I was annoyed.

I cared about him still, it just hit the point, where I had to be more important to myself than him, and the scales finally tipped in December. I have a strong sense of self preservation, and eventually it had to hit the point where I finally realized that the relationship wasn't for me. That it was in fact, rather bad for me. I made that decision for me and for no one else. I was miserable, and there was no point in pretending otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to anyone.

I think what bothers me the most though, is everything that happened since. When I broke things off, I cared still, I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to save myself, and it's not fair to anyone to pretend that you love them when you don't. Since that day, things have shifted. By the time I had the last conversation with him a few weeks later, I didn't care. At all. Everything I had felt for him was just dead and cold. I don't think he realized the change he was causing with everything he did. From there things shifted farther, ending up at the far end of the spectrum. And now I sit, with this nasty thing that I don't know what to do with. It's angry and it's disdain. At this point, I would as soon rip his still beating heart from his chest as have a polite conversation. I doubt he realizes this, or that it is all of his own making... I don't hate many people, and most of them I never liked, from the moment I met them... But what I hate most, is that he turned what once was so completely around. I don't like having that within me, and I'd rather he disappeared completely for existence, that I didn't have to know or hear anything more about him. That I didn't have this stupid fear every time I go to LARP that he might be there, and I'd have to deal with him.

There aren't a lot of things I regret, but I'd almost say I regret that whole relationship. I feel like I wasted almost 2 years of my life. The only redeeming spark, really has nothing to do with that relationship at all. It is simply that I have a basis for comparison to hold things up against. It's an experience, and while I would just as soon do away with it, it makes me appreciate what I have now so much more.